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Bijhan Reviews You -- 5.16.2009 -- Lots of Crap.

2009-05-16 04:38:48 by Bijhan
Updated

+ .NG Calculator. by JollySpace
Contributor JollySpace, the radical visionary who finally brought us a tweening tutorial (thank God, no one on this website had the slightest idea how to do that!) has brought us another wonderful and groundbreaking flash. A calculator. That kind of has the look of Newgrounds. JollySpace thinks that using an avatar that looks an awful lot like Tom Fulp will spare him/her the rod. It wont. All computers come equipped with a calculator. So do most phones. No one will ever - EVER - log on to the internet, shuffle through Newgrounds, and pull up this "gadget" to use it. Ever.
====> BOTTOM LINE: Blam.

+ Medieval Rampage by xdragonx10
The popularity of this game confounds me. The blue banner surrounding its name on the portal is wholly undeserved. This is a top-down shooter game with different weapons and different ammo. And that's it. I've played much better versions of this game without the crappy pseudo-historical setting. I thought, for a minute, that this game could have been a wonderful innovation. I thought this was a wonderful opportunity to meld the top-down shooter genre with the classic mouse-click-pull-release gameplay technique utilized in the ULTRA-CLASSIC Archery game. But it was not to be. Instead I was force to point, click, and hold the button down for arrow after arrow as if my weapon were an automatic rifle, not a bow. This game failed to deliver.
====> BOTTOM LINE: Boring.

+ Survival 2009 by juicymosquito
This is the kind of game I wait around for. Now, to be sure, this is not the kind of addictive pulse-pounding thrillride that Last Stand provided us. It lacks the super-slick animation and graphics of Fancy Pants. It doesn't have the revolutionary gameplay of Spewer or Gish. But to use a musical metaphor: if Last Stand is Mindless Self Indulgence, Fancy Pants is Prince, and Spewer is Devo - then Survival 2009 is Screeching Weasel. It's simple. It's stripped down. Author juicymosquito took three buttons, one background, and a handful of obstacles, and made a decent and robust game. Admittedly, it doesn't have staying power, and it's not a powerhouse of a game, but I would put a sticker on juicymosquito as one of the flash artists to watch. Oh, and it's pretty fun, too.
====> BOTTOM LINE: Pretty good.

+ Aporkalypse Now by mousebreaker2009
Wow. This game. This game, you guys. Never before have I seen such love and attention given to a game that sucked so hard. It's a flash FPS, like Smiley Paintball, and it was slightly reminiscent of the super old and super amazing Tank Wars - you know, the one with the wire frames and no skins? Except that this game is terrible. You're in a nondescript desert locale with cacti, traffic cones, and inexplicably zombified anthropomorphic pigs. In suits. Without the ability to strafe, the left and right controls make you turn. Excruciatingly slowly. There are only two weapons: a frying pan that is wholly useless, and a shotgun that has no scatter effect. When you run out of the few bullets in your shotgun, you pick up the frying pan and a new shotgun spawns randomly. I found myself spending far more time looking at the minimap than the actual screen, which is always a bad sign. For no reason in particular the lunging zombie pigs were the EXACT SAME COLOR as shotgun pickups on the minimap. As if there weren't a whole spectrum of other colors to choose from. Overall the game had me bored within seconds.
====> BOTTOM LINE: Crap with glitter on it

+ A-Maze-ing! by EllDunn17 aka Elliot Dunn
The game is total nonsense. It's a simple maze game where you guide a blue block from point A to point B using your mouse. There is no twist. There aren't even any shiny backgrounds. It also makes annoying shrieking sounds when you start levels. This game is not even worth mentioning. So why am I mentioning it? Because its author, Elliot Dunn, is a hai-larious moron. The game description begins "Please do not delete because this work is for educational purposes for a college assignment and needs reviewing please and needs high ratings." As a college student, I can guarantee you that there is not one single college course on Earth that REQUIRES that you get positive reviews on Newgrounds.com. You don't need either of those things. You'd just LIKE them. But Senior Dunn is not finished - no no! "Furthermore, I have only learned to use Adobe Flash with ActionScript 2.0 for only a couple of months now so i suggest you go easy on me. Get everyone you can to play this game cos it is a real laugh! Trust me!" First off, Elliot - I can call you Elliot, right? - word of mouth cannot be incited. It just happens. Your game provides no laughs. There's no content to laugh at. And we have no reason to trust you. When reviewer Jambol pointed out: "you are going to get an F on that assignment cuz this game is terrible it took you several MONTHS to learn how to to this?" Dunn responded with "firstly i am doing a BTEC, and secondly, my teacher told me mine was the best out of the lot in my class apart from me being quite a bit behind." Now, I'm not quite sure what a BTEC is aside from the Biomass Thermal Energy Council, but what the hell does it mean for it to be the best apart from being quite behind? That's like saying "Well, you smoked pot in the girls room all quarter, you missed almost every day of school, and when you did attend class you were drunk. So, considering all that, your D is amazing!" Look, Elliot. You didn't pay attention in that class. I can tell from what you've told us here on the internet that you misunderstood your teacher's warning that you need to pay more attention as praise for the quality of your work. Stop trying to convince us your flashy piece of poop is any good, and STUDY.
====> BOTTOM LINE: Horse shit

YOU KNOW, I THINK I LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY...
Look, guys, I know that making a high-quality game is difficult. I've tried my hand at it many, many times only to find it overwhelmingly difficult for me. All the end results were terrible. So I empathize. Obviously not every game can be a winner and not every flash artist is Dan Paladin or Weisi. But can you do us all a favor and stop submitting garbage? This is stuff you must know isn't fun to play. I'm an artist, and I like messing around with recording weird and odd sounding stuff. But just because it's fun for me to make doesn't make it fun for anyone to listen to. And I know that. I don't try and show people my macaroni art, because I'm no longer five years old. It's good that you have fun making things with flash. A productive hobby makes for a healthy mind. But don't think just because you're able to make a Tetris clone you're Alexey Pajitnov. Only when you've got something truly remarkable should you show it to the world. Otherwise, you'll just get frustrated when no one remarks on the unremarkable. Or all their remarks are snide.


WELCOME TO BIJHANISTAN, BITCHES

2009-05-16 02:57:57 by Bijhan

Alright, bitches. Here's how it works. I am your new God of rock and roll, and game-reviewer extraordinaire. I've been coming to this site since before the portal, and once a few years ago made a profile to upload some terrible tracks from a former band. BUT NOW I'M HERE IN FULL FORCE, YO!

Bijhan is pronounced "bee" like the small stinging insect, "jh" like the J in Beijing, and "ann" like the girls name. But it is not a girls name. Bijhan was an ancient Persian mythological figure renowned for fucking an enemy princess, killing thousands of demon boars with his bow, and being held captive under a rock for hella long. But no longer will the average layman associate my name with primitive Middle Eastern literature! And ignore the fact that another Iranian-American named "Bijan" (same name different spelling) is world renowned for his self-titled mens perfume!

So I will be spending my rare few free hours here playing your video games and reviewing them with depth, insight, and constructive criticism. I will also be plying you with high-quality punk rock and booze. Maybe weed. Probably not the weed. Actually, probably not the booze either. But definitely punk rock.

I would mosh with you, but I'm afraid of touching you.

NOW YOU CAN PROPERLY WORSHIP ME by sending me money. If you want to send me cash through a parcel delivery service, I will be happy to give you my home address, date of birth, work history, credit score, social security number, mother's maiden name, the name of my first pet, and my email password in a private message.

Also, gullible is not in the dictionary.

Those of you who truly worship the art of minimalist game construction and truly innovative gameplay in a constrained medium, such as I do, would be wise to frequent my news updates as I will be lauding the most creative uses of flash that appear on the portal, and lambasting the pieces of crap that float my way.

ENJOY YOUR DOO DOO SAMMICH, NEWGROUNDS