Alright, bitches. Here's how it works. I am your new God of rock and roll, and game-reviewer extraordinaire. I've been coming to this site since before the portal, and once a few years ago made a profile to upload some terrible tracks from a former band. BUT NOW I'M HERE IN FULL FORCE, YO!

Bijhan is pronounced "bee" like the small stinging insect, "jh" like the J in Beijing, and "ann" like the girls name. But it is not a girls name. Bijhan was an ancient Persian mythological figure renowned for fucking an enemy princess, killing thousands of demon boars with his bow, and being held captive under a rock for hella long. But no longer will the average layman associate my name with primitive Middle Eastern literature! And ignore the fact that another Iranian-American named "Bijan" (same name different spelling) is world renowned for his self-titled mens perfume!

So I will be spending my rare few free hours here playing your video games and reviewing them with depth, insight, and constructive criticism. I will also be plying you with high-quality punk rock and booze. Maybe weed. Probably not the weed. Actually, probably not the booze either. But definitely punk rock.

I would mosh with you, but I'm afraid of touching you.

NOW YOU CAN PROPERLY WORSHIP ME by sending me money. If you want to send me cash through a parcel delivery service, I will be happy to give you my home address, date of birth, work history, credit score, social security number, mother's maiden name, the name of my first pet, and my email password in a private message.

Also, gullible is not in the dictionary.

Those of you who truly worship the art of minimalist game construction and truly innovative gameplay in a constrained medium, such as I do, would be wise to frequent my news updates as I will be lauding the most creative uses of flash that appear on the portal, and lambasting the pieces of crap that float my way.

ENJOY YOUR DOO DOO SAMMICH, NEWGROUNDS